Recently a friend forwarded a Fox News article that asserted five ways that porn was good for us.¹ It was directed to women. I guess they figured most men didn’t need convincing to head over to their favorite porn site. Statistically a lot of men use porn, but a growing number of women also fall prey to it. In 2016 one porn site alone logged 4.6 billion hours of porn watched—that’s over five thousand centuries.² Sounds pretty hopeless, but it’s not, because we were created for something much greater. I’d like to share some thoughts for the millions of porn users in the world and for those who love them. (I use he and she interchangeably.)
Porn never satisfies.
The temporary ecstasy that porn can elicit is just that: temporary. Just one more click will not reveal the perfect body that will make one cry out, “Eureka!” and end the search. No, one click leads to more clicks. Porn is an endless sexual abyss that pulls the user deeper into shame and isolation. It will mercilessly tempt again. Porn creates chemical longings in the brain that long to be fed. And the cost? It will only increase with time. Porn can steal one’s self-esteem, faith, job, relationships, and family, and it will not stop there. Porn is bondage of the worst kind. Our hearts long to be satisfied, but they will never be satisfied by porn.
Porn keeps the user from true intimacy with others, and we all need to be known.
A desire for intimacy is beautiful and good. Our relational design moves us toward other people because we have been created to live in communion with others. But our desire for sexual gratification can get in the way of true intimacy with others. Knowing and being known are deep human needs fulfilled only by genuine relationships—by connecting with others. Porn does not lead us to connection; instead, it isolates. The image on the screen cares nothing for the user. In fact, it is actually hurting him at a soul level even as his mind enjoys the temporary euphoria. We need real relationships and using porn isn’t going to help us develop those. But a desire for true intimacy in actual relationships can be a great motivator to give up porn.
Porn doesn’t help one become the person she or he truly wants to be.
We grow in character through adversity, experiences, delayed gratification, perseverance, and hard work. Unlike character building experiences, porn asks nothing and steals everything. Real relationships are demanding, complicated, multifaceted, and a lot of work, but they’re worth every ounce of effort because they shape us and bring value to our lives. Porn requires nothing and takes no work whatsoever. It can be addictive as it causes high levels of dopamine to release in the brain much like cocaine does. No one wants to be addicted to porn.
Porn is a killer of love, and we truly desire love.
Love grows best in a secure environment. Exclusivity in love is one of its most beautiful and timeless features. Love takes trust and requires vulnerability. Porn takes a beautiful gift like love and makes a mockery of it. In the moment it’s exciting, but a real-life partner doesn’t want to be second to anyone, including a pixelated image of someone in porn. A desire for true love can be a strong motivator to walk away from porn and begin to enjoy the love found in an authentic relationship with God.
Porn will always be a counterfeit.
True sex is amazingly good. God-honoring sex is even better. It bonds a couple at a soul level. It is pleasurable to both the man and the woman because it honors, is tender, sacrificial, and takes into account the whole person, not just certain parts. This kind of sexual experience makes one desire a spouse again and again. Porn will always be a counterfeit, a poser, a cheap imitation that falls short of the real thing. Like any counterfeit, it will eventually be exposed for what it truly is. God-honoring sex within the safety and security of marriage is the best sex.
Porn makes God feel distant, but He stands ready to forgive and redeem our wandering.
This is where our true hope lies. Because we need God’s grace in our lives. We depend on His unmerited favor. I love how the father (representing God) ran to the prodigal son in the parable that Jesus told. He said the young man “came to his senses” and decided to return home to the abundant household and the gracious father.³ Turning away from our sin is the essence of repentance. God wants to redeem our past and make something beautiful out of the rubble.
For years my husband battled a porn addiction and kept his struggle hidden from everyone including me, his best friend. It broke my heart to learn of it a few years ago. Like the prodigal son, this man I love had been in a dark and destructive place, but thankfully, Jesus ran to welcome this repentant sinner home. We have worked through the messiness of redemption together, and my husband walks ever closer to Jesus now. We have honesty and transparency in our relationship. His faith is growing. He found true freedom, and you or someone you love can know this freedom too.
The tomb is empty. Jesus conquered sin and death once and for all. He came to set captives free and He lives and intercedes for us even now. A porn user is every bit as precious to Him as every other sinner. Jesus died not just so we could stand righteous at the gate of heaven, but so we could live a life of freedom on the earth. Jesus satisfies every need, and He loves us with a perfect love that nothing on this earth can match. Jesus is our living hope!
TrueNorth’s website has resources for someone struggling with sexual sin and for those who love them. You’ll find information about weekend retreats, men’s and women’s groups, and more. Read some of our past blog posts under “Stories” to learn more and find hope.
¹ Suzannah Weiss, 5 Ways Watching Porn Can Make You a Better Partner, FoxNews.com, 2017.
² Sage Lazzaro, 9 Crazy Stats That Prove We Watched a Whole Lot of Porn in 2016, Observer.com, 2017.
³ The Gospel of Luke, Chapter 15, verses 11-32.
Written by Anne Kerr, Founder of TrueNorth Freedom Project